Friday, January 06, 2006

Let's get the grossness over with

Today's six-mile run was a delicate balancing act. The simple deed of dealing with the snot out-oxygen in was a little more complex than the routine hold and blow during a run. With my nose corroded completely with dried snot, the liquid snot had no choice but to form a lovely wall of mucus down the back of my throat preventing oxygen from entering my body. Portioning the intake and output was challenging, but you'll be happy to know, I managed. This persistent cold is most annoying. 6 miles at an average pace of 10:38 per mile, slow and snotty.

You wanna know something else annoying? Hail damage. Why is it that hail damage looks worse on pasty-white winter thighs than it does on tan summer thighs? Huh? Why? It's just wrong. It's the same body. Another 2006 goal: rid body of current and prevent future hail damage.

Ready for the most grossest of all? Last night I decided to swim instead of run. All the pool lanes were full of hopeful resolutionites. While I waited in the hot tub for a lane to open, I witnessed the most absurd occurrence. Senior Water Aerobics. That in itself is not grotesque (although, it does provide for a frightening locker room). The grotesqueness occurred after the instructor wheeled out a cart of water noodles and the senior ladies giddily held them in front of their bodies pretending to possess giant penises. During my voluntary lapse of blindness, I heard the lady next to me gasp "OMG, did you see that?". While I certainly hope my senior years are sexually active, I pray to god I'm mentally sound enough to spare the public any such aquatic humiliation.

43 Comments:

Blogger A Cloud's Yin said...

OK, even the description of that made me slightly nauseous...and you had to see it in person?! You poor thing!

The cold might be lingering, but you're hoppin' to it and that, my dear, is fantastic. Happy running :)

11:45 AM  
Blogger William said...

Never thought of that symbolic reference before.

I will never watch auqa-fit with the same innocent eyes again thanks to you.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Flatman said...

That is SOOO funny! Remember when we used to play like we were peeing with the water hose???

What, you didn't do that?

Stay out of the bad weather. You probably don't need to be running in hail!

11:55 AM  
Blogger TryAthlete said...

"With my nose corroded completely with dried snot, the liquid snot had no choice but to form a lovely wall of mucus down the back of my throat preventing oxygen from entering my body."

Try this: "Ptooi!"

11:55 AM  
Blogger sarah said...

hail damage. heee.

the old lady water noodle thing is causing really scary mental images that i could have done without.

and i'm impressed that you're running while you have a cold.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Simba's Mom said...

Too funny about the senior citizens! Hope you feel better soon!

12:10 PM  
Blogger Wylee said...

Bwahahahahaha! ooops sorry, I know it was traumatic for you and hence I shouldn't laugh... but.I.Can't.bwahahahahaha! Old lady soup can be so interesting. Oh come on, admit it, you secretly watched with noodle envy, didn't you?

12:15 PM  
Blogger E-Speed said...

Awwe even noodle ladies need to have their fun ;)

12:21 PM  
Blogger Cliff said...

Thanks Su, you made my day :).

12:52 PM  
Blogger Bolder said...

oh my, that's nothin'... have Shelley tell you about her club... i'm like one of the oldest at my club, so i wasn't prepared for what i was about to witness!

me eyes!

12:58 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I once made the mistake of going in the locker room right before water aerobics was about to start.

I really wanted to gouge my eyes out with a fork.

1:27 PM  
Blogger The Spandex-King said...

That's funny!!!! My employees just came in to my office to see what I'm laughing about.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Sarah Elaine said...

Glad to see that being sick didn't kill your sense of humour.

Your pool experience sounds like one of those horrors you'll never be able to erase from your brain no matter how hard you try. (No pun intended...)

2:07 PM  
Blogger Run for Chocolate said...

I love running for the very fact of being able to spit a bunch of times on the road rather than in my toilet while my husband all the while whining about how gross I am.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Danny said...

thanks for sharing...

3:11 PM  
Blogger KAP said...

At the impressionable age of 19 I lifeguarded at a pool with old lady water aerobics. At the crack of dawn one shouldn't be hearing or seeing what went on there.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Wobbly man said...

OMG! That pool scene is going to stay with me now! 6 miles at whatever pace is still six miles. Well done for just getting out there and doing it!

3:46 PM  
Blogger TryAthlete said...

I thought of sending you an email, but then I thought, "What the heck" - I'll just post it here and let everyone know what a genius you are (or spam you with requests).

Thanks so much for the header you designed for me. Not to mention the "site support" and instructions on how to load it in the HTML.

Let me crown you the undisputed Queen of Blog Header Design 2006. *mwah* *mwah*

3:46 PM  
Blogger ~The Modern Tragedy said...

Susan you have thirty years before you should even start to worry and at the speed out medical advancements are occurring probably much longer then that

5:11 PM  
Blogger Elle said...

truly hilarious....

snot and penises....too funny.

5:59 PM  
Blogger robtherunner said...

I can picture you now in the senior water aerobics class. You will be the leader of the group.

6:44 PM  
Blogger D said...

I won't address the snot issue. I just had a small spinach salad....
I wonder if it is the texan older population that is so perverted...because I see the old ladies doing the water aerobics but have never witnessed that! LOL. Welcome back!

7:31 PM  
Blogger Iron Benny said...

Sounds like the movie Cacoon barfed in the pool at your gym. That reminds me of Nytros post about an old man whos balls dangled in the toilet water. Old people are just nasty but eventually, I will be one of them. Let's just hope that I don't use water toys as symbols of my inadequacy.

Hail damage hah? Back when I had man boobies, you know the type, baggy, perky and look as if you could milk them. Ya, I had those. I didn't call it hail damage though. I called it my golf ball region. Nothing like a little cottage cheese in the tities to make a man feel manly.

Great post, thanks for the laughs.
Benny

7:33 PM  
Blogger thealphafry said...

ahh but that's kind of cute though. With the noodles. :-D I remember playing with those things like they were star wars lightsabres.

8:19 PM  
Blogger Jennifer P said...

That's priceless!

8:22 PM  
Blogger Jennifer P said...

Oh, also, frozen snot is way more fun than dried snot. But frozen dried snot would not be good. Let's hope that I don't catch a cold!

8:24 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

Yeah, but as you run it gets liquid and you can breath again... then when you stop... ugh! I have a cold now, so have that to look forward to tomorrow.

Thanks (not) for the senior visual :)

8:29 PM  
Blogger David said...

There does seem to be a propensity of resolutionaries out there clogging up the running lanes.

9:04 PM  
Blogger Richard Maas LMT, MTI said...

You were running between me and Karrie this morning, too. Glad your aim is good. Ptooi indeed! 10 on Sunday.
In another 20 years,
I hope old women like that show up where ever I'm playing...with their noodles. That will be some oldie show.

9:50 PM  
Blogger Jen_runs said...

LOL. OMG. Now that's scary....

Good on you for sticking with your run under the snot-filled circumstances ;-)

10:03 PM  
Blogger a.maria said...

omgawd that is too funny.

maybe um... try blowing your nose?

just a thought! ;)

10:16 PM  
Blogger Kewl Nitrox said...

The old women are hilarious - mental note to hold onto dignity even at old age. :)

Personally, I am a "stop, hold nose and snort it all out" guy, but seriously though, is it a good idea to be running with a cold?

3:36 AM  
Blogger psbowe said...

So freaking funny about the pool scene. I'll be sure to tell my grandmother about that one. She swims 3x a week, 81 yrs old too.

5:00 AM  
Blogger Lora said...

Good for you for getting out there with a cold. Try some chicken soup!

Ahhh older bodies...scarey I know...I see them all at work. It's one of the reasons I'm determined to keep running. At least they were out there trying!

6:07 AM  
Blogger Lucinda said...

Yeah, that will get me back into running!

No, it will actually be the fine man that jogged by me this evening and smiled.

7:06 AM  
Blogger Al Carter said...

eeeew
that's all I ahve to say

12:47 PM  
Blogger runr53 said...

Wooo! Look at all the comments! That was indeed very funny! Thanks for the laugh! Hail Damage?? Can't say I've heard that one before!

12:50 PM  
Blogger Jon (was) in Michigan said...

Eewww! Susan that is without a doubt the grossest post! Ack!

Snot, and mucus, and old woman with penises.

And no comment from Swordsy-girl on that one? I'm shocked!

9:25 PM  
Blogger Rae said...

OH NO!! Where was your camera???

Hope the snot leaves you and finds someone else soon!

11:03 PM  
Blogger brent d. said...

OMG!... I really have no response to that... just involuntary shakes. =)

12:22 AM  
Blogger iliketoast said...

Yeeehaaaaw ride'em old dudes! I plan on growing old disgracefully too.

5:08 AM  
Blogger CJ said...

You're right about the scenario of the frightening changerooms post senior water aerobics!

5:26 AM  
Blogger 'Zilla said...

Yuck Yuck Yuck.

That last part is too weird! Wow. :) Yeah, it can be kind of traumatizing at my pool too... There seems to be no shyness in the morning... They just walk around free as birds, towel over their shoulders!

Hope you're feeling better!

9:40 AM  

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